CAPE CHARLES—Even as he was already dealing with low energy, headache, fatigue, irritability, as well as aches and pains from an extreme laxative detox cleanse, Mayor George Proto still called a special Town Council work session to approve a new town ordinance that he said would eliminate the use of ‘Silly String” or “Spray String” in Cape Charles, “This is the sixth day of my cleanse, and I’m telling you, things have gotten very messy. As you know, frequent bathroom visits can lead to irritation and the breakdown of skin on your bottom, as well as dehydration. Still, even as it’s hard to sit for any length of time, this ordinance is very important.”
During discussion, Councilman Bannon noted, “This whole thing was supposed to make me more calm and centered, but after seeing the way the string just shoots out of the can like that, the whole thing sent my mental state crashing.” Councilwoman Sullivan concurred, “I was so aggravated by watching that…well all that string, I needed to blow off steam by taking three Mucinex, and then getting on the floor and howling like a dog!” Those close to Bannon and Sullivan said they haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility of mental breakdowns.
Below is the full text of the ordinance:
Sec. 39-15. “Spray string,” “Silly String,” or similar matter or substances thereto prohibited. It shall be unlawful and an offense against the Town of Cape Charles for any person to have in his/her possession, keep, store, use, manufacture, sell, offer for sale, give away or handle any “spray string,” “silly string,” or other matter or substances similar thereto, within the town within its police jurisdiction. (Ord. No. 39-002, Â§ 1, 1-4-94)
During public comment, the Cape Charles Business Association gave a 90 minute Powerpoint presentation consisting of 119 blank slides. The CCBA submitted this comment to be read into the record, “First, you try and obtain $500,000 worth of free sand that you intended to use to replenish the beach, and now this? Allowing silly string in town would be disastrous to business. What if someone used it to give one of our B&Bs a bad review? This is the most pressing issue facing the town today. We must act against those spraying silly string with exceptional speed and commitment, as the future of not just the Our Town initiative, but possibly the entire human race depends on swift and decisive action.”
Also during public comment, Cape Charles Mirror editor Wayne Creed voiced concerns, “Because so many in the town rely on aggressive laxatives, we have to find a way to deal with our negative emotions in a nondestructive manner—silly string can do that, it can help us flourish, it can make us happy…and it can help the next generation flourish too.”
The ordinance passed unanimously.
A Cape Charles Mirror Satire