Yes, we have written about this before, but as warmer weather comes our way, our fashion sense is once again under assault. There are of course the usual offenders: slow, trashy golfers in vile and disgusting pants, men in cargo shorts (purse pants) and flip-flops, and the most undeniably ugly footwear more typically associated with river-rafting potheads and people that like to camp: the Birkenstock sandal.
In 1966, German-American designer Margot Fraser was on a spa trip back to Germany when she discovered the horrific sandal that is so ugly and stupid, not even Jesus could pull them off. Although the company had been around since 1774, it hadn’t made it to the States until Fraser began importing them to San Francisco. Because they so ugly, shoe stores refused to sell them. Eventually, she did find a market for them in, go figure, health food stores where hippies shopped.
Disturbing Trend: Not surprisingly, since the covid thingy ravaged brain cells and destroyed all rational thought, sales of Birkenstocks have been increasing considerably since the first lockdown started, with John Lewis reporting an increase of nearly 50%, while Selfridges saw a 140% increase during the same time period. Good God! Is anyone going to hold the Chinese government accountable for this atrocity?
The fact that these disgusting granola loafers even exist feels like a massive inside joke, and apparently everyone fell for it. Birkenstocks sandals and the whole normcore thing is a big pile of guano, making fashion victims of us all.
The idea that die-hard wearers of Birkenstocks have stopped worrying about their appearance is a much more serious issue. They have somehow convinced themselves that form, comfort, and function trumps that of looking ridiculous (like wearing sweat pants and fuzzy pink slippers to the grocery store). Wearing Birks is telling the world, “Yes, I have totally given up!”.
If you do wear Birkenstocks in public, you do realize you are giving everyone a great view of your ashy heels and crusty phalanges. There seems to be a correlation between birks and extremely grotesque and heinous feet (especially for men, who do nothing down there anyway. Most guy’s feet look like they’re auditioning for a role in Jurassic Park). I apologize to those of you with a quick gag reflex for putting that image in your mind.
When colder weather comes, please, please, please don’t try to rock the dad look of “socks and ‘Stocks”. They will start to stink worse than a Bronx dumpster in the middle of August.
Just stop it.
Has this gone on long enough? Is it time for town council to address this fashion anarchy? A fine of $250, which appears to be the prescribed amount, seems appropriate.