Special April 1st Edition of the Cape Charles Mirror
Dora Sullivan and Steve Bennett, both running for Town Council seats, announced today their platform for economic growth in Cape Charles. The plan involves using proceeds from the sale of syrup products to fund and build a bronze sculpture in the center of town. The two hope that the sculpture will become a tourist attraction that will expand the already growing destination base. Bennett and Sullivan were the architects of the Town’s huge debt, and were on watch during some of the more bulbous boondoggles. The Cape Charles Mirror sat down with the team, to discuss their economic development platform.
MIRROR: Thank you both for taking the time to talk with us. Given the current state of affairs in Cape Charles, what is your plan to promote economic growth?
BENNETT: The first step is to pass an ordinance making Cape Charles a tax free syrup economic zone.
SULLIVAN: Yes. That is true.
MIRROR: But, if you’re not getting taxes, where will the funding come from?
BENNETT: When people come to buy tax free syrup, when they are in town, they’ll buy other things.
SULLIVAN: Like sea glass.
BENNETT: Yes, like sea glass.
MIRROR: So, how did this platform come about?
BENNETT: Well, Dora is just about the stupidest person I ever met…
SULLIVAN: And Steve is the most corrupt person I’ve ever met…
BENNETT: So we thought, bringing those attributes together to form a team, well, it would be a powerful combination.
SULLIVAN: Nothing says ‘Cape Charles’ more than Sullivan and Bennett!
BENNETT: You mean, Bennett and Sullivan, don’t you?
MIRROR: So, syrup?
SULLIVAN: People love syrup, they put it on their pancakes!
BENNETT: I love pancakes!
MIRROR: Well, yes, but…can’t you just buy it at the Food Lion? Why would you drive all the way into Cape Charles to buy syrup?
SULLIVAN: Because it’s tax free.
BENNETT: That is the core of the plan. A tax free economic zone for syrup.
MIRROR: I guess, but…
SULLIVAN: This plan will work, it will pay dividends, just the way Dicky Foster’s vision is paying dividends for Bay Creek.
BENNETT: Haven’t you seen the latest assessments? Bay Creek lots have lost 75% of their value.
MIRROR: How is that a good thing? If you bought a lot for $150k and now it’s only worth $8k, how is that a good thing?
BENNETT: Because the citizens are getting screwed!
SULLIVAN: And they love it!
MIRROR: How do you know they love it?
SULLIVAN: They keep voting for us, don’t they?
MIRROR: That is true. Strange, but true.
BENNETT: The people of Cape Charles are ignorant, suffering fools.
SULLIVAN: We know how to give them just what they want.
MIRROR: Somehow, this is making way too much sense.
BENNET: That’s why we hired the firm of Dewey, Screwem and Howe to help develop this platform.
SULLIVAN: Screw em’ to the wall!
[BENNETT AND SULLIVAN REACH ACROSS THE TABLE AND KNUCKLE BUMP]
MIRROR: Okay, so the plan is to build a giant statue. What kind of statue?
SULLIVAN: A giant dung beetle!
MIRROR: A dung beetle?
BENNETT: The dung beetle symbolizes the people of Cape Charles.
MIRROR: Don’t those beetles burrow and live in piles of manure?
BENNETT: They live in dung, and they like it.
SULLIVAN: And that’s why they [people of Cape Charles] like us.
MIRROR: Certainly accurate, but how is this supposed to attract more people into town?
BENNETT: Let’s face it, anyone that would come to this town for a vacation obviously has low self-esteem, right?
SULLIVAN: They’ll be able to relate to the giant beetle. They may even come to worship it.
MIRROR: Worship a giant dung beetle?
SULLIVAN: Worship what it symbolizes!
MIRROR: Oh, yes…I must have missed that.
SULLIVAN AND BENNET TOGETHER CHANT: Be one with the dung, be one with the dung, be one with the dung…..
MIRROR: I think that’s a wrap.
Happy April Fool’s Day from The Cape Charles Mirror!