COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. CAPE CHARLES DINER – MORNING
Karen sits at a corner table with BOB, GARY, and CAROL, all nursing oversized coffee drinks. Karen has a notebook covered in rainbow stickers and peace signs.
KAREN: After my transformative experience with the Juggalos, I’ve had an epiphany! We need to stop dividing and start uniting!
BOB (skeptical): Karen, last week you wanted to storm the Town Council meeting over the new LOVE sign placement.
KAREN: That was the old Karen! The new Karen believes in bringing people together through the power of community events!
CAROL: What kind of community event?
KAREN (dramatically opening notebook): The Cape Charles Unity Festival! A celebration of our shared humanity!
GARY: That actually sounds… reasonable.
KAREN: We’ll have music, food trucks, activities for families, free whippets, and most importantly, dialogue stations where people with different viewpoints can find common ground!
DENNIS and JASMINE enter, now clearly a couple, holding hands and sharing a coffee.
DENNIS: Morning, everyone. What’s the excitement about?
KAREN: Dennis! Jasmine! Perfect timing! I’m organizing a unity festival to heal the divisions in our community!
JASMINE (surprised): That’s… actually a great idea, Karen.
KAREN: I know, right? And I want you two to help plan it! Your moderate perspectives could balance out my revolutionary spirit!
DENNIS: We’d be happy to help.
KAREN: Wonderful! I’ve already booked the park gazebo for next Saturday!
BOB: Without asking the rest of us?
KAREN: Leadership requires decisive action, Bob! Now, let’s divide up responsibilities. I’ll handle entertainment and speakers…
JASMINE: Wait, what kind of speakers?
KAREN: Inspirational voices from across the political spectrum! I’ve already reached out to some very diverse candidates!
DENNIS (warily): Define “diverse.”
KAREN: Don’t worry – I learned my lesson about research after the ICP incident. I’ve been very thorough this time!
She holds up her phone showing a long list of contacts.
*TITLE SEQUENCE: “Karen’s Unity Festival” with images of Karen frantically making phone calls while protest signs are repurposed as “UNITY” banners
ACT ONE
EXT. CAPE CHARLES PARK – SETUP DAY (FRIDAY AFTERNOON)
The group is setting up tables, a small stage, and stringing lights. Karen directs traffic with a clipboard and a megaphone.
KAREN (through megaphone): Remember, we want this to scream “unity” and “peace”! Gary, that banner needs to be more centered!
GARY: It says “UN-TITTY” – you spelled it wrong!
KAREN: It’s artistic license! Bob, how’s the sound system?
BOB (fiddling with microphone): It keeps making that screeching noise.
FEEDBACK SCREECH from speakers
DENNIS: Maybe turn down the gain?
BOB: I don’t need help from someone who probably voted forβhe who shall not be named!
JASMINE: Bob. Unity festival. Remember?
BOB (sheepishly): Right. Sorry. Dennis, could you help me with this?
Karen approaches Carol, who’s arranging chairs.
KAREN: Carol, remind me – what time are our keynote speakers arriving tomorrow?
CAROL: Well, the yoga instructor confirmed for 2 PM, and the local historian said he’d be here by 3…
KAREN: Perfect! And what about our political speakers?
CAROL: That’s where I’m confused. You said you booked someone called “America First Al” and someone named “Progressive Pete”?
KAREN: Yes! Perfect balance! One conservative voice, one liberal voice!
CAROL: Karen, did you actually talk to these people, or just send emails?
KAREN: I sent very thorough emails explaining our vision for unity! They all responded with enthusiastic emojis!
JASMINE (walking over): What kind of emojis?
KAREN: America First Al sent the flag and muscle emoji. Progressive Pete sent the rainbow and power fist. All very positive!
DENNIS: Karen, did you verify their actual credentials? Or Google them?
KAREN: Of course I researched them! America First Al has a very popular podcast about patriotism, and Progressive Pete runs a blog about social justice!
BOB: What are their last names?
KAREN: Al… American? And Pete… Progressive? They might be stage names. Many activists use pseudonyms for safety!
Everyone exchanges worried glances.
JASMINE: Karen, do you have phone numbers for these people?
KAREN: No, but they both confirmed they’re bringing “materials” to share with the community. I assume that means pamphlets about unity!
GARY: This is starting to sound familiar…
DENNIS: Like the ICP situation?
KAREN: Completely different! I triple-checked the acronyms this time!
ACT TWO
EXT. CAPE CHARLES PARK – UNITY FESTIVAL DAY (SATURDAY AFTERNOON)
The festival is in full swing. Families are enjoying food trucks, kids are playing games, and a FOLK SINGER performs gentle acoustic music on the small stage. Everything seems wonderfully normal.
KAREN (beaming, wearing a “UNITY COORDINATOR” sash): See? This is going perfectly! People are actually talking to each other!
She gestures to various groups mingling peacefully.
JASMINE: I have to admit, you pulled this off, Karen. This is really nice.
DENNIS: The food truck idea was genius. Nothing brings people together like good Mexican.
CAROL: And the kids’ activities are a hit! Look at them all playing together.
A GROUP OF CHILDREN run by, laughing and holding balloon animals.
KAREN: I told you! Unity through community! Now we just need our keynote speakers to arrive andβ
A LOUD RUMBLING sound approaches. Everyone turns to see a MONSTER TRUCK decorated with Confederate flags and gun decals pulling up. It has “AMERICA FIRST AL’S TRUTH MOBILE” painted on the side.
BOB: Karen… is that…?
KAREN (consulting clipboard): That must be America First Al! Right on time!
The truck parks, and AMERICA FIRST AL emerges – a large man in camouflage, carrying a bullhorn and a cooler.
AMERICA FIRST AL (through bullhorn): PATRIOTS! AL’S HERE TO SPREAD THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DEEP STATE!
The peaceful crowd stops and stares. Parents instinctively move closer to their children.
KAREN (confused): Excuse me! Mr. American! This is a unity festival! We’re here to find common ground!
AL: That’s right, sister! Common ground against the liberal elite! Who wants to hear about chemtrails?
DENNIS (to Karen): Did he just say chemtrails?
KAREN: I’m sure he means… weather unity?
Just then, a VOLKSWAGEN VAN covered in peace signs and “COEXIST” bumper stickers pulls up, playing loud death metal music. PROGRESSIVE PETE emerges – a thin man in all black, carrying a megaphone and a banner reading “SMASH THE FASCIST STATE.”
PROGRESSIVE PETE (through megaphone): COMRADES! THE REVOLUTION STARTS TODAY!
JASMINE: Karen…
KAREN: This is fine! They’re just… very passionate about unity!
AL (spotting Pete): Well, well! If it isn’t one of them antifa types!
PETE: And there’s a Nazi! Perfect! Let’s settle this right now!
They begin walking toward each other aggressively. The peaceful crowd starts backing away nervously.
KAREN (desperately, through her own megaphone): GENTLEMEN! This is a UN-TITTY, I mean UNITY festival! We’re here to find what we have in common!
AL: What I have in common with this communist is NOTHING!
PETE: The only unity I want is unified resistance against fascists like you!
DENNIS (to Jasmine): Should we call the police?
JASMINE: Let’s try to de-escalate first.
Dennis approaches Al while Jasmine approaches Pete. Karen stands between them, frantically waving her arms.
KAREN: Wait! Wait! I’m sure if we just sit down and talkβ
AL: Lady, the only talking I do is with my TRUTH MEGAPHONE!
He raises his bullhorn, but it malfunctions and starts playing children’s lullabies instead of amplifying his voice.
PETE: Ha! Even your fascist technology is broken!
Pete raises his megaphone, but it’s also broken and only makes squeaking noises like a rubber duck.
BOB (whispering to Gary): Did they both bring broken megaphones?
GARY: This is either cosmic justice or Karen’s luck rubbing off on everyone.
ACT THREE
EXT. CAPE CHARLES PARK – CONTINUOUS
Al and Pete continue trying to have a confrontation, but their broken equipment makes them increasingly ridiculous. Al’s bullhorn is now playing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” while Pete’s megaphone sounds like a squeaky toy.
AL (frustrated, trying to turn off the lullaby): This dang thing… hold on…
PETE (squeaking angrily): SQUEAK SQUEAK The system! SQUEAK Oppression! SQUEAK SQUEAK
KAREN seizes the moment.
KAREN: See! You both have something in common! You’re both having technical difficulties!
AL: That ain’t the same thing!
PETE: Don’t patronize us, lady!
KAREN: I’m not a lady! I mean, yes, but, I’m beyond labels! I’m unity-sexual!
JASMINE (whispering to Dennis): Did she just make up a new orientation?
DENNIS: I think she means politically flexible. I hope??
The FOLK SINGER on stage, trying to restore calm, begins playing “Kumbaya.” This somehow makes everything worse.
AL: Nix that hippie music!
PETE: Cultural appropriation of protest songs! Scumbag!
FOLK SINGER (confused): It’s… it’s just Kumbaya?
Al and Pete approach the singer.
AL: How about I Kumbaya your ass!
PETE: Yeah!
PETE and AL drag the folk singer off of the stage. They are just about to smash his guitar when a small CHILD approaches the chaos, having wandered away from her parents.
CHILD: Why are the angry men broken?
KAREN: They’re not broken, sweetie, they’re just… passionate about different things.
CHILD (to Al): Why is your truck playing lullabies?
AL (embarrassed): It’s not supposed to… the wiring got crossed…
CHILD (to Pete): Why does your microphone sound like my rubber ducky?
PETE (also embarrassed): Technical difficulties of the capitalist manufacturing system…you can’t trust anything these Nazi pigs make!
CHILD: Can you both help me find my mommy instead of being loud?
Al and Pete look at the child, then at each other, then at the crowd of families who are watching nervously.
AL (deflated): I… yeah, kid. Where’d you see her last?
PETE (putting down squeaky megaphone): The revolution can wait five minutes.
They both start looking around for the child’s mother. Karen beams triumphantly.
KAREN: SEE! Common ground! Helping children!
ACT FOUR
EXT. CAPE CHARLES PARK – LATER
The crisis has passed. Al and Pete found the child’s mother and are now awkwardly standing near the food trucks, having been essentially peer-pressured into staying by the community.
KAREN (approaching them with plates of food): Gentlemen! I brought you both tacos! Food is the universal language!
AL: I don’t eat with communists.
PETE: I don’t eat with fascists.
KAREN: You’re both eating tacos! Same food! Common ground!
AL: This is Texas-mex or Cali?
PETE: Mine’s tex-mex.
KAREN: Still unity!
DENNIS (joining them): How’s it going?
AL (to Dennis): You military?
DENNIS: Marine. Retired.
AL: Semper Fi, brother.
PETE: Great, military industrial complex bonding. War pigs!
DENNIS: Actually, I think the military taught me that most conflicts come from people not understanding each other.
AL: That’s… not wrong.
PETE: The system does create artificial divisions to prevent solidarity…
KAREN (excitedly): More common ground! You both think the system creates problems!
AL: We ain’t talking about the same system, lady.
PETE: Definitely not the same system.
KAREN: But you both said “system”! That’s unity of vocabulary!
Jasmine approaches, laughing.
JASMINE: Karen, I think you’re trying too hard.
KAREN: There’s no such thing as trying too hard for peace!
Just then, the FOLK SINGER’s microphone starts working properly, but he accidentally plays his music through Al’s truck speakers, which are still connected via Bluetooth. Al’s patriotic country music starts blasting over the peace songs.
FOLK SINGER: Sorry! I can’t figure out how to disconnect!
AL: That’s my truck playing your hippie music!
PETE: It’s actually kind of an interesting mashup…
Everyone stops and listens. The combination is bizarre but oddly catchy.
CAROL: Is it weird that this kind of works?
BOB: I’m confused but also slightly grooving to it.
GARY: It’s like if Bob Dylan joined a polka band.
KAREN (triumphant): MUSICAL UNITY! We’ve created a new genre!
ACT FIVE
EXT. CAPE CHARLES PARK – LATE AFTERNOON
The festival is winding down. Most families have left, but a core group remains, including Al and Pete, who are now sitting at the same picnic table, still not talking to each other but no longer actively hostile.
KAREN (addressing the remaining crowd): Thank you all for coming to our first annual Unity Festival!
SEVERAL VOICES: First annual?
KAREN: We’re making this a tradition! Next year we’ll have even more unity!
AL (to Pete, grudgingly): That was a nice kid.
PETE: Kids are innocent victims of systemic oppression.
AL: Or victims of moral decline in society.
PETE: Different causes, same victimization.
AL: I guess…
DENNIS (to Jasmine): Is this progress?
JASMINE: They’re talking. That’s something.
KAREN (overhearing): They’re finding common ground through shared concern for children! My unity strategy is working!
BOB: Karen, I think they’re just both grumpy in comparable ways.
KAREN: Compatible grumpiness IS a form of unity!
The Folk Singer, having finally figured out the sound system, starts playing a gentle version of “This Land is Your Land.” Surprisingly, both Al and Pete seem to know the words.
AL (quietly singing): “This land was made for you and me…”
PETE (also singing): “…you and me…”
KAREN (whispering excitedly): They’re singing together!
CAROL: They’re singing the same song for completely different reasons.
DENNIS: Completely off key too…
KAREN: Still singing together! Unity!
As the song continues, more people join in, creating an unexpectedly moving moment of community singing, even though everyone probably interprets the song differently.
GARY: I have to admit, this is kind of nice.
JASMINE: Karen, you might have actually pulled this off.
KAREN: Of course I did! I told you – unity through shared experiences!
DENNIS: Even if the experiences are confusing and slightly chaotic?
KAREN: Especially then! Chaos brings people together through mutual bewilderment!
AL (to Pete, after the song ends): You know, you’re still wrong about everything, but you’re not as terrible as I expected.
PETE: Same. Your politics are awful, but you helped that kid.
AL: Maybe we could… I don’t know… agree to disagree without the megaphones next time?
PETE: I could try using my inside voice for revolution.
KAREN (clapping her hands): BREAKTHROUGH! Unity achieved!
TAG
INT. CAPE CHARLES COFFEE SHOP – THE NEXT MORNING
The core group sits around their usual table, looking exhausted but satisfied. Karen has a new notebook labeled “UNITY FESTIVAL 2.0.”
KAREN: So for next year, I’m thinking we expand! Maybe get some food trucks from different ethnic backgrounds! Taco truck, BBQ truck, maybe a sushi truck…
BOB: Karen, in Cape Charles, sushi is sort like bait.
KAREN: Why not? Fish is unity food!
DENNIS: I don’t think that’s a thing.
JASMINE: What about keeping it simple? Yesterday worked because it was manageable.
KAREN: But we could reach even more people! I’m already reaching out to speakers for next year!
CAROL (alarmed): What kind of speakers?
KAREN: Don’t worry! I’ve learned my lesson about research. This time I’m going to Google them AND check their social media!
GARY: What if we just… didn’t have political speakers?
KAREN: Gary! Without political speakers, how will we achieve unity?
DENNIS: Maybe unity doesn’t require politics?
KAREN: That’s… huh. That’s actually profound, Dennis.
Through the coffee shop window, they see Al’s monster truck and Pete’s van parked next to each other at the SPANKING the MONKEY novelty store. Al and Pete are visible inside, apparently shopping together while still maintaining suspicious distance. Then, they move closer, and when they think on one is looking, embrace, and then kiss.
JASMINE: Look at that. They’ve become lovers!!
KAREN: They’re unified through SPANKING the MONKEY!
DENNIS: And… apparently, adult novelty items.
JASMINE: (Glancing in Dennis’ direction) And sexual attraction.
Dennis smiles and blushes.
KAREN: My festival worked!
BOB: They’re probably just very lonely.
KAREN: Unified through loneliness! Even better!
They all laugh as Karen starts writing in her new notebook: “Unity Festival 2.0: Bigger, Better, More Unity-er!”
CAROL: “Unity-er” isn’t a word, Karen.
KAREN: It will be after my festival makes it famous!
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS ROLL
During credits: A montage of photos from the Unity Festival showing various moments of accidental community bonding, ending with a group photo of everyone awkwardly smiling together while Al’s truck plays lullabies in the background.
About the Author
Karen donβt forget to invite theβno kingβ event to the βunity fest βnext year