COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
EXT. MASON AVENUE — CAPE CHARLES — MORNING
The quaint main street is busier than usual. A small crowd has gathered outside “FREE THINKER,” a combination an empty, unused store. In the window, large anti-Trump signs are prominently displayed alongside various progressive political signs.jigg
TITLE CARD: “One Week After The Great Parking Meter Celebration Permit Debacle”
KAREN stands on a small stepladder she’s borrowed from the hardware store, addressing a modest crowd of supporters. BOB holds a homemade megaphone made from a traffic cone. GARY films everything on his phone. CAROL has set up a small table with “DEFEND FREE SPEECH” buttons and organic granola bars.
KAREN (through Bob’s cone-megaphone): Citizens of Cape Charles! We gather today to defend our local business owner’s constitutional right to political expression!
BOB (whispering loudly): Karen, the megaphone is pointed the wrong way. You’re broadcasting into your own face.
KAREN (adjusting position): We stand with Stan Werkowitz and his brave display of anti-fascist messaging!
Through the shop window, STAN WERKOWITZ (60s, nervous energy, wearing a “COEXIST” t-shirt) waves uncertainly. He clearly didn’t expect this level of attention.
GARY (consulting his phone): We’re already trending on local Facebook! #FreeStansFreedom!
CAROL: I’ve prepared seventeen different chants! All rhyme with “freedom” or “constitutional rights!”
DENNIS and JASMINE approach from across the street, looking like parents arriving to pick up their children from detention.
DENNIS (to Jasmine): Please tell me they’re not planning anything that requires emergency services.
JASMINE: It’s Karen. Emergency services should probably just set up a command post nearby.
Suddenly, a pickup truck with multiple flags pulls up. Several COUNTER-PROTESTERS (40s-60s, wearing various patriotic clothing) begin unloading their own signs.
COUNTER-PROTESTER LEADER RICK (50s, construction worker build, carrying a “TRUMP” banner): Well, well. Look what we got here.
Both groups freeze and stare at each other across the street.
KAREN (still on stepladder): And so it begins! The forces of oppression reveal themselves!
TITLE SEQUENCE: “Karen Defends Free Speech” with protest signs clashing like medieval weapons
ACT ONE
EXT. MASON AVENUE — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
The two groups have set up on opposite sides of the street. Karen’s group has grown to about fifteen people, mostly from the local wealthy STR home renter and property investors from the North cooperative. Rick’s group numbers about twelve, mostly from the ag community and local blue collar tradesman. Then, the Cape Charles Progressive Anti-Fascist Business Owners Association (CCPABOA) arrive in force, carrying Anti-Trump signs and banners.
KAREN (now using a proper megaphone borrowed from the community center): We will not be intimidate d by jackbooted thugs seeking to silence dissent!
RICK (shouting across the street): Nobody’s silencing anybody! We’re just exercising our right to counter-protest!
BOB (confused): Wait, so they’re protesting our protest of people trying to silence protests?
GARY: It’s protest-ception! This is going to break the internet!
STAN emerges from his shop, looking overwhelmed.
STAN: Excuse me! Karen! I appreciate the support, but this is getting a bit intense! I just put up some signs I believed in!
KAREN: Stan! Don’t let them intimidate you! We will defend your first amendment rights to the death!
STAN: To the death seems excessive! Maybe just to mild inconvenience?
Suddenly, a black SUV with “KRESSLY! DEMOCRAT FOR GOVERNOR” magnets pulls up. EILLY KRESSLY (45, somewhat overweight, wearing an ill-fitting power suit and campaign button, exits the vehicle somewhat breathlessly, followed by a harried CAMPAIGN AIDE carrying a briefcase.
EILLY KRESSLY (approaching Karen’s group, slightly out of breath): Greetings, fellow patriots of the resistance! I am Eilly Kressly, your next Democrat Governor of this great Commonwealth, and I stand in complete solidarity with this demonstration of free speeches!
Everyone stops and stares.
KAREN (uncertain): Um… hello? Did you say free speeches?
EILLY (adjusting her campaign button): That’s correct! The freedom to speak freely is the most fundamental of our constipational rights! I have come here personally to support this grassroots uprising against the forces of tyrannical!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (whispering urgently): Ma’am, it’s “constitutional” and “tyranny.”
EILLY (waving him off): Don’t correct me in front of the media! I know what I’m saying!
GARY (perking up): Media? I’m just livestreaming on Facebook.
EILLY (immediately pivoting to Gary’s phone): Thank you for this opportunity to address the people of Virginia! As your next Governor, I will fight tirelessly against the oppression that is happening right here, right now, in this very place where we stand!
BOB (to Carol): Is she… running for office during our protest?
CAROL: I think she’s campaigning at us.
RICK’s group begins setting up their own display directly across from Stan’s shop.
RICK: Nothing wrong with a little balance! Equal time for opposing viewpoints!
EILLY (pointing dramatically at Rick’s group): You see? The opposition reveals themselves! They cannot stand to see true democracy in actionation!
TOWN MANAGER (approaching): Ma’am, the Town Manager. Did you get a permit for political campaigning?
EILLY: Permits? Permits are tools of the establishment! I don’t need no stinking permits!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (frantically checking paperwork): Actually, we do have permits. Several permits. Please don’t arrest us.
EILLY: My aid is overly cautious! In the new Virginia, under my leadership, we will eliminate the bureaucratic red tape that strangles our freedoms!
JASMINE (taking notes): This is fascinating. She’s campaigning against the permit process while her aide frantically shows everyone her permits.
COUNTER-PROTESTER JANET (50s, wearing a “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” visor, shouting across): Hey! Are you that lady who wants to defund the police?
EILLY (shouting back): I have never said such a thing! I support our brave men and women in uniforms! Both police and firefighters and… also, uniform people!
KAREN: Actually, you did say that at the Richmond debate. I saw it online.
EILLY (to Karen): That was taken out of contest! The media distorts everything I say!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (quietly): Context, ma’am. Out of context.
EILLY (louder): That’s what I said!
ACT TWO
EXT. MASON AVENUE — THIRTY MINUTES LATER
The situation has escalated. Both groups have grown larger, and their chants are competing for volume. Eilly has positioned herself between the groups, trying to address both simultaneously.
KAREN’S GROUP (chanting): “Hey hey, ho ho, fascist censorship has got to go!”
RICK’S GROUP (chanting back): “Free speech for all, not just the left! Constitutional rights are what we’ve got left!”
EILLY (trying to chant with both groups): “Hey ho, free speech, constitutional… things!”
Several TOURISTS have stopped to watch, treating it like street theater.
TOURIST #1 (to Tourist #2): Is that woman having a stroke?
TOURIST #2: I think she’s a politician. Same thing, really.
TOWN MANAGER WILKINS arrives, still carrying his lunch in a brown paper bag.
TOWN MANAGER (to Dennis): What exactly is happening here?
DENNIS: Two groups of Americans vigorously agreeing that everyone should have free speech while disagreeing about everything else. Plus a gubernatorial candidate having some kind of linguistic breakdown.
EILLY (overhearing): Linguistic breakdown? I resemble that remark! I speak perfectly good English, thank you very much!
TOWN MANAGER: She… resents that remark?
CAMPAIGN AIDE: We’re working with a speech coach.
STAN emerges from his shop again, this time carrying a tray of coffee.
STAN: Would anyone like free coffee? Maybe we could all just… talk?
EILLY (grabbing a cup): Free coffee! This is exactly the kind of socialist agenda I support!
RICK (confused): Wait, I thought you were against socialism?
EILLY: I am! But free coffee is different! Coffee is a fundamental human right, not socialism!
JANET: How is free coffee not socialism but healthcare is?
EILLY: Because… because coffee is… caffeinated! Healthcare doesn’t have caffeine!
Everyone stares at Eilly.
BOB: That’s… actually the worst political logic I’ve ever heard.
EILLY: Thank you! I pride myself on original thinking!
CAROL: I don’t think that was a compliment.
EILLY: All publicity is good publicity in democracy!
Suddenly, MAYOR THORNTON arrives followed by DEPUTY MARTINEZ and FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON.
MAYOR THORNTON (using an official megaphone): Attention citizens! This is your mayor! What seems to be the problem here?
EILLY (rushing toward the Mayor): Mayor Thornton! I am Eilly Kressly, your next Governor! I have come to stand with these brave patriots in their fight for justice!
MAYOR THORNTON: Ms. Kressly, are you here in an official capacity?
EILLY: I am here as a woman of the people! Standing with the people! For the people! By the people! All the people words!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (to Mayor Thornton): She’s here campaigning, ma’am. We have all the proper permits.
DEPUTY MARTINEZ (looking around): Well, they’re all on public property, everyone has permits for their signs, nobody’s blocking traffic… and now we have a political candidate having what appears to be a public episode.
EILLY: Episode? This is not an episode! This is leadership in action! This is what real governing looks like!
FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON: Ma’am, real governing usually involves fewer megaphones and more paperwork.
EILLY: Paperwork is the enemy of progress! When I am Governor, I will eliminate paperwork!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (frantically): Ma’am, we need paperwork to govern. Budgets, laws, permits…
EILLY: Details! I’m a big picture person!
As if on cue, BOB accidentally backs into JANET while trying to get a better photo angle with Eilly.
JANET: Hey! Watch where you’re going!
BOB: Sorry! I was just trying to document the fascist oppression!
JANET: Fascist? I run the church bake sale!
EILLY (inserting herself): Church bake sales are the backbone of our democratic society! I fully support religious pastries!
BOB: Even fascists can bake!
JANET: That’s it! Rick, get the hose!
EILLY: Hose? They’re bringing weapons! This is exactly the kind of suppression I will fight as Governor!
RICK: It’s a garden hose, lady!
EILLY: Every revolution starts with simple tools! First hoses, then tyranny!
KAREN: That’s… actually what I was going to say.
EILLY: Great minds think in similar ways!
DENNIS: It’s “great minds think alike.”
EILLY: That too!
COUNTER PROTESTOR: Hey, didn’t you make a post celebrating the assassination of Charlie Kirk?
EILLY: Yes! I, do celebrate it!
CAMPAIGN AIDE: Ma’mm, not now!
DENNIS: I saw that post. Maybe you should explain?
EILLY: Explain what? Kirk was a Nazi, Fascist, White Supremacist, Pro-Israel, and he supported vulgar white Christian Values.
JASMINE: White Christian values?
CAMPAIGN AIDE: Ma’mm, don’t speak!!!
EILLY: Shut up, you. Kirk was a pro-gun racist, and he got just what he deserved.
[Enter JIGGY STULZT owner of the RANCID RADISH cafe. She is handing out leftover sandwiches from her shop]
JIGGY: Death to all Charlie Kirks! [she attempts to start a chant] We got him in the neck! We go him in the neck!
The Progressive Anti-Fascist Business Owners Association (CCPABOA) members rush in, enthusiastically joining the chant.
EILLY& the CCPABOA: We got him in the neck!! We got him in the neck!!
CAMPAIGN AIDE: Ma’mm, please stop!
DENNIS: What is wrong with you people? He had a wife and two young children!
JIGGY: Death to all Charlie Kirks!
JASMINE: So, engaging in rhetorical conversation is worthy of a death sentence?
JIGGY, EILLY & the CCPABOA [together]: DEATH TO NAZIS! DEATH TO FASCISTS! WE GOT HIM IN THE NECK! DEATH TO CHARLIE KIRK AND HIS ILK!!!
JASMINE: He was neither, and you know this. You claim to fight hate, but you celebrate the hate masquerading as ‘free speech’ posted in this store’s windows….
CAMPAIGN AIDE [taking EILLY by the arm]: Please, ma’am….our schedule, we need to keep this moving…
ACT THREE
EXT. MASON AVENUE — CONTINUOUS
Chaos erupts as BOB trips over Carol’s friendship bracelet station, knocking over her table. Granola bars scatter everywhere. People slip on the organic snacks, creating a small but growing pile of protesters on the ground.
CAROL: My granola bars! Twenty-seven dollars of organic goodness!
EILLY (slipping on a granola bar and falling): This is assault! Political assault! I am being attacked by Big Granola!
GARY (live-streaming): This is it, folks! The Great Cape Charles Granola Wars have begun! And we have a gubernatorial candidate down!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (helping Eilly up): Ma’am, are you hurt?
EILLY: I am wounded but not defeated! These granola bars cannot stop the march of democracy!
RICK, still confused about the hose situation, starts uncoiling a small garden hose from his truck bed.
RICK: Janet, this is for washing concrete tools. It barely has any pressure.
EILLY (pointing dramatically): Water cannons! They’re bringing out water cannons!
JANET: It’s barely a sprinkler!
EILLY: Every great movement has been suppressed by water! Gandhi! Martin Luther King! The… other water protesters!
KAREN (rallying her troops, but lacking in her usual enthusiasm): Citizens. They bring the instruments of oppression. Form a human chain.
EILLY (trying to join the human chain): I will chain myself to democracy!
Karen’s group links arms, but they’re still slipping on granola bars. Eilly keeps losing her grip because her palms are sweaty.
BOB (from the ground): I can’t get up! The organic oats are like ball bearings!
EILLY (also slipping): This is voter suppression through breakfast foods!
MAYOR THORNTON approaches the Fire Chief.
MAYOR THORNTON: Chief Davidson, do we need to intervene?
FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON (watching Rick struggle with his tiny garden hose while Eilly shouts about water cannons): I think we’re witnessing the least threatening political crisis in Virginia history.
DEPUTY MARTINEZ: Should I arrest anyone for… dramatic incompetence?
EILLY: You cannot arrest democracy!
DEPUTY MARTINEZ: I’m pretty sure I can arrest individuals, ma’am.
STAN emerges from his shop carrying a large pitcher of water.
STAN: Everybody, stop! I’m trying to help clean up the granola situation!
EILLY: More water! The suppression continues!
In the confusion, Stan trips and throws the entire pitcher of water into the air. It creates a small arc before splashing down on both groups, including Eilly.
EILLY (soaking wet): I have been baptized in the waters of freedom! This will not stand! When I am Governor, I will ban… water… throwing!
KAREN: We’re under attack! Man the barricades!
RICK: That wasn’t even us! That was the shop guy!
STAN: It was an accident! I was trying to help!
EILLY (wringing out her campaign button): Accidents are the tools of the oppressor! This is all part of Trump’s Master Plan!
More protesters slip on the wet granola bars. The pile of people on the ground grows larger, with Eilly somehow ending up at the bottom.
EILLY (muffled, from under the pile): The weight of injustice is literally crushing me!
GARY (still filming from the pile): The resistance will not be deterred by Big Granola!
CAROL (also from the pile): Those were fair-trade oats!
EILLY (still muffled): Fair trade is un-American! Wait, no, fair trade is American! I support all trade!
Fire Chief Davidson finally steps forward.
FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON: Alright, that’s enough. We’re bringing in the hose.
EILLY (emerging from the pile, hair disheveled): You see! They’re calling in the oppression hoses! Just like I predicted!
FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON: Ma’am, it’s for cleanup. People are slipping on breakfast food.
EILLY: Breakfast food today, civil rights tomorrow!
The Fire Department brings out a small hose and begins washing the granola bars off of the sidewalk.
EILLY (being gently sprayed with clean water): This is it! The moment that will live in history! We are being hosed for our beliefs! I am being hosed for my candidacy!
RICK (also getting sprayed): This is actually pretty refreshing. It’s hot out here.
EILLY: Even refreshing tyranny is still tyranny!
BOB (enjoying the water): Is this considered police brutality or a free car wash?
EILLY: Both! It’s a police car wash! The most insidious kind of oppression!
ACT FOUR
EXT. MASON AVENUE — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The street has been cleaned. Both groups of protesters sit on the curb, wet but no longer hostile. Several are sharing towels provided by Stan. The Fire Department has set up a small first aid station for granola-related injuries. Eilly sits on the curb, wringing out her jacket while her campaign aide tries to fix her hair.
MAYOR THORNTON (addressing both groups): Now then. Can someone explain to me what this was all about?
KAREN: We were defending Stan’s right to free political expression!
RICK: And we were exercising our right to express opposing political views!
EILLY: And I was representing the people’s voice in this struggle for democracy!
MAYOR THORNTON: So you were all… supporting free speech?
KAREN AND RICK: Yes!
EILLY: And voting rights! And… speech rights! And the right to speech freely!
MAYOR THORNTON: By fighting each other?
KAREN AND RICK (pause): Yes?
EILLY: Fighting is the highest form of political discourse!
DEPUTY MARTINEZ: I’m confused. Are we arresting people for agreeing with each other too loudly while a political candidate has a public breakdown?
EILLY: Breakdown? This is a breakthrough! A political breakthrough!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (quietly): Ma’am, maybe we should head to the next campaign stop?
EILLY: Nonsense! This is where democracy lives! Right here in the streets!
STAN (emerging with more coffee): Mayor Thornton, I really appreciate everyone’s passion, but maybe we could channel it into something constructive?
JASMINE: Like what?
STAN: Well, I was thinking about hosting a weekly community discussion. Different viewpoints, respectful dialogue, good coffee.
EILLY: Excellent! I will attend every week as your representative-to-be!
STAN: That’s not necessary….you should probably focus on…Norfolk?
KAREN: Not a bad idea?
RICK: And full of the patriotic spirit.
EILLY: And the democratic enthusiasm!
STAN: Carol? Just… maybe leave the granola bars at home next time.
CAROL: But they were organic!
EILLY: Organic oppression is still oppression!
Everyone looks at Eilly, who’s still picking oats out of her hair.
FIRE CHIEF DAVIDSON: Ms. Kressly, next time you want to support a protest, maybe consider calling ahead?
EILLY: Calling ahead is not spontaneous! Democracy must be spontaneous!
CAMPAIGN AIDE: Ma’am, we did call ahead. We set up this whole campaign stop.
EILLY: That’s different! That’s organized spontaneity!
CAROL: What about quinoa salad for next time?
EVERYONE, INCLUDING EILLY: NO!
BOB stands up slowly, testing his back.
BOB: You know, getting hosed by the fire department was actually kind of fun. Very nostalgic. Like summer camp for adults.
EILLY: Summer camp was preparation for political resistance! I see the connection!
GARY: I got amazing footage. This is going to be my most-viewed video ever.
EILLY: Make sure you tag my campaign! Kressly for Governor! Leadership in action!
GARY: Ma’am, you spent most of the video covered in granola and yelling about water cannons.
EILLY: Exactly! Relatable! I’m a woman of the people!
DENNIS (to Mayor Thornton): So, how are we resolving this officially?
MAYOR THORNTON: Well, everyone has the right to peaceful assembly, nobody got seriously hurt except for Bob’s dignity and Ms. Kressly’s campaign messaging, and the street got a good cleaning. I’m calling this a win for Cape Charles.
EILLY: See! Democracy wins! Just like I said it would!
RICK (whispering to Karen): Are you sure you’re going to vote for that woman?
KAREN: Well. ummm, uhhhh….
EILLY: And I’m not as wet as I was five minutes ago!
RICK: You don’t say.
KAREN: Drying is good?
EILLY: Dryness is the enemy of passion! But also good for governing!
STAN: I would call for a community discussion is next Thursday, but, maybe not…
DENNIS: In this climate, you may want to hold off.
EILLY: Nonsense! I will bring campaign literature! And policy positions! And… more opinions!
JANET: And maybe some non-slip snacks?
CAROL: I’ll bring crackers. Store-bought crackers.
EILLY: Store-bought is selling out to Big Cracker!
EVERYONE: Thank you, Carol. And please ignore the candidate.
EILLY: I represent the voice of the people!
BOB: Which people?
EILLY: All the people! The right kind of people. The people people!
CAMPAIGN AIDE (checking his watch): Ma’am, we really need to get to Norfolk for the senior center visit.
EILLY: Very well! I leave you all with this message: Democracy is like coffee! It’s better when it’s hot, and everyone deserves a cup!
Everyone stares at her.
STAN: That… oh my.
EILLY: See? Vote Kressly for Governor! Because democracy needs caffeine!
Eilly and her aide head toward their SUV.
CAMPAIGN AIDE (as they walk away): Ma’am, we need to work on your analogies.
EILLY: My analogies are perfect! They’re like… like really good analogies!
ACT FIVE
EXT. MASON AVENUE — LATER THAT AFTERNOON
The street has returned to normal. Stan’s shop is busy with curious customers drawn by the morning’s events. Karen and Rick’s groups are packing up their signs, chatting amicably. Eilly’s SUV has departed, leaving only a campaign flyer stuck to the storm drain.
KAREN (to Dennis and Jasmine): I feel bad.
DENNIS: You should. Some of your rhetoric has been over the top.
JASMINE: And calling for murdering those who disagree with you?
KAREN: I do feel sick.
DENNIS: You’re a good person. That feeling is how any decent person should feel.
KAREN: It’s disappointing to see so many business owners that are cheering Charlie Kirk’s death.
JASMINE: These people are disgusting. They pretend to have the moral high ground, but underneath it all, we now see what they’re like.
DENNIS: I never thought I would avoid a local business, but I will never step foot some of these places ever again.
KAREN [Trying to change the subject]: On the upside, we did escape without nudity, no vandalism, just… aggressive democracy and whatever that was with Kressly.
RICK (approaching): Karen, I wanted to say thanks for keeping things interesting around here.
KAREN: Rick, I appreciate your commitment to opposing viewpoints. It’s very… democratic of you.
RICK: See you Thursday at Stan’s?
KAREN: Wouldn’t miss it. I’ll bring talking points.
RICK: I’ll bring rebuttals.
KAREN and RICK walk together toward the beach. JASMINE and DENNIS hold hands and look out over the harbor.
JASMINE: I hate this place now.
DENNIS: This place? Cape Charles? They killed it a while ago.
JASMINE: Yes. No. Yes…all of it. I hate what these people have done to our town. To the Shore. What was that Visconti film where they said, But all that is nothing compared to what you already possess: hate! It’s a young hate. Pure. Absolute.
DENNIS: The Damned.
JASMINE: That’s almost how I feel about these people now…Charlie getting murdered…for what? It has changed me…I used to try and find middle ground with them, but when I look around–I wish all of these liberal northerners had never found Cape Charles and would have just stayed in their shitholes. Instead, they had to bring their filth down to the Shore. They think a fresh coat of paint and a few renovations will cover up who they really are.
DENNIS: I don’t think you’re alone.
JASMINE: How did it ever get this place? What happened? How did this place change?
DENNIS: I don’t know. I don’t think it’s coming back.
JASMINE: Oh. No, it’s not. It’s all gone. America is gone…I don’t think they realize the hell they have released with that one bullet that they dance and sing about…
DENNIS: Yeah. I feel it too.
JASMINE: We need to get out of here…
DENNIS: Yeah. But…what planet are we going to?
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS ROLL
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales, is entirely coincidental. Especially the political candidates.
About the Author
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