A bag of sweet, righteous cocaine found in the White House is drawing in some of the world’s most cunning detectives and brilliant minds.
One day after leaked radio intercepts revealed that a “mystery” substance was found over the weekend inside the White House and – after leading to a brief evacuation over hazmat fears – was “cocaine like”, the US Secret Service on Wednesday confirmed what everyone already knew – the powdery substance found inside the White House over the weekend is cocaine.
While little news was revealed, secret service spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said that the cocaine was discovered in an area of the West Wing lobby where individuals can store their phones. The lobby is “a heavily traveled area” regularly accessed by both visitors and staff, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said Wednesday.
And now, the hunt for the coke fiend begins.
“The president thinks this is incredibly important to get to the bottom of,” she added, and surely every able-bodied FBI agent is on top of it.
The good news is that since every visitor to the White House is logged and every square inch of the premises is under constant video surveillance, the mystery won’t last long…
… unless of course the White House webcam operator was previously in charge of the the Jeffrey Epstein suicide cams all of which “broke” just before the famous pedophile “killed himself.”
And in totally separate news, Hunter Biden joined his father and other members of the Biden family at the White House Tuesday just hours after the cocaine was found, to take in the Fourth of July fireworks following a weekend getaway to Camp David.
President Biden and first lady Jill Biden were accompanied on the balcony of the South Portico by Hunter Biden, his son Beau Jr., first daughter Ashley Biden and other members of the First family.
“Welcome to your house, the White House. We’re just rentin’,” the 80-year-old president told military families, National Park Service staff and their families, and members of his administration and their families during brief remarks Tuesday night. He was also addressing the Chinese who were listening in on various bugs distributed across the residence.
Hunter Biden, who has not only acknowledged a prior addiction to crack cocaine but has repeatedly recorded himself smoking, snorting and otherwise ingesting the substance on dozens of occasions and who recently pled guilty to fluff misdemeanor charges over tax evasion and struck a deal on a gun charge, was also on the White House grounds Friday before heading off to Camp David with his father for the second weekend in a row.
Also today, the White House declined to say whether it would want to see a criminal prosecution if a specific individual were found to be responsible for bringing the cocaine into the complex, or whether staffers would face new drug tests or screening after the incident, for obvious reasons.
Biden was briefed by his staff about the progress of the investigation, Jean-Pierre even though there clearly isn’t any: after all, there can’t be progress if “law enforcement” has already decided it will never find this mythical cocaine mastermind; as for the bought and paid for liberal PR firms posing as a “press”, they have already got the memo to let it all blow over.
Biden’s cocaine antics take place just days after the younger Biden reached a plea deal with Justice Department prosecutors to avoid jail time after lying on a federal form to purchase a firearm. He checked a box claiming that he did not use and was not addicted to illegal substances – a fact that would disqualify him from buying the gun. The form contradicts the timelines and claims made in Hunter Biden’s own memoir.
Biden critics and conservatives decried Hunter’s plea deal, claiming that anyone other than the president’s son would receive jail time for the same offense. The deal also saw Hunter plead guilty to two tax misdemeanors which would have been a felony – and meant prison time – for anyone else but the president’s crack and whore-addicted son.
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That’s a no-brainer – it was the dog.