Yes, we have written about this before, but as warmer weather comes our way, our fashion sense is once again under assault. There are of course the usual offenders: slow, trashy golfers in vile and disgusting pants, men in cargo shorts (purse pants) and flip-flops, and the most undeniably ugly footwear more typically associated with river-rafting potheads and people that like to camp: the Birkenstock sandal.
In 1966, German-American designer Margot Fraser was on a spa trip back to Germany when she discovered the horrific sandal that is so ugly and stupid, not even Jesus could pull them off. Although the company had been around since 1774, it hadn’t made it to the States until Fraser began importing them to San Francisco. Because they so ugly, shoe stores refused to sell them. Eventually, she did find a market for them in, go figure, health food stores where hippies shopped.
Disturbing Trend: Not surprisingly, since the covid thingy ravaged brain cells and destroyed all rational thought, sales of Birkenstocks have been increasing considerably since the first lockdown started, with John Lewis reporting an increase of nearly 50%, while Selfridges saw a 140% increase during the same time period. Good God! Is anyone going to hold the Chinese government accountable for this atrocity?
The fact that these disgusting granola loafers even exist feels like a massive inside joke, and apparently everyone fell for it. Birkenstocks sandals and the whole normcore thing is a big pile of guano, making fashion victims of us all.
The idea that die-hard wearers of Birkenstocks have stopped worrying about their appearance is a much more serious issue. They have somehow convinced themselves that form, comfort, and function trumps that of looking ridiculous (like wearing sweat pants and fuzzy pink slippers to the grocery store). Wearing Birks is telling the world, “Yes, I have totally given up!”.
If you do wear Birkenstocks in public, you do realize you are giving everyone a great view of your ashy heels and crusty phalanges. There seems to be a correlation between birks and extremely grotesque and heinous feet (especially for men, who do nothing down there anyway. Most guy’s feet look like they’re auditioning for a role in Jurassic Park). I apologize to those of you with a quick gag reflex for putting that image in your mind.
When colder weather comes, please, please, please don’t try to rock the dad look of “socks and ‘Stocks”. They will start to stink worse than a Bronx dumpster in the middle of August.
Just stop it.
Has this gone on long enough? Is it time for town council to address this fashion anarchy? A fine of $250, which appears to be the prescribed amount, seems appropriate.
About the Author
Dude, Birkenstocks are one thing but don’t lump the cargo pants in with ’em.
I mean, if we’re going to talk practicality, one of those “purse pants” pockets is a perfect fit for a snub nose.
Heck, you can sidle up to a Lib at the bar and they’ll NEVER EVEN KNOW about the evil little pew-pew that is literally INCHES from their precious skin.
🙂
$2500, not $250, plus some sort of mandatory de-programming in a communi8ty setting somewhere safe.
You can come and take these Birkenstocks off of my cold dead feet.
Note: Those trashy sandals already make your feet smell like death, so you’re halfway there, “Oh, oh, livin’ on prayer…”
You’re going to find your *** up against the wall here, Pedro, with the liberals and PROGRESSIVES accusing you of cultural expropriation here.
Take my advice and stick with something like an El Charro Men’s Authentic Mexican Huarache Sandals.
Not only are they far better for your feet, and thus, your overall mental and emotional well-being, important at any age, but they will have people taking notice and wondering what it is you obviously know that they in their Birkenstocks are ignorant of.
Thank you Paul. I may take your advice and try them out. I was thinking about changing to Doc Martens, because only supercool god fearing trump loving liberal hating conservatives wear them.
Note: School is now in session:
Awesome!
And there we are looking at those who put Joe “Corn Pop” Biden into office as their president!
By the way, I had a pair of real Mexican Huarache Sandals I got in California many years ago, and I loved them, but after a lot of years and miles, I finally wore them out, and try as I might, I could never find another pair like them.
But now Amazon has them!
Get yourself a pair and when you walk around Cape Charles in them, not only will all the Birkenstock wearers be wondering what it is you know that they so obviously don’t, but wondering as well if you might be Jesus come back to see who is a sinner and who isn’t, which will have them shaking in their Birkenstocks, hoping it isn’t them, but not ever really knowing.
Interesting that Uber-Conservatives want to eliminate something! I thought we were free to choose…remember-“In The Friends of Voltaire, Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote the phrase: ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’ as an illustration of Voltaire’s beliefs is sometimes misattributed to Voltaire himself is often cited to describe the principle of freedom of speech which I submit extends to my choice of footwear! 🙂
Note: Ehhhh…which way did he go???? Elmer, what’s an Uber-Conservative??? And yes Bugs, Voltaire did have a sense of humor, unlike, well, these people.
The left has now shown it’s true colors to the world…Did you not know that We The People no longer view the vast majority of Liberal Democrats as our fellow Americans?
Evelyn Beatrice Hall was a lightweight; all talk, no action.
You want a true freedom fighter you have to go with Mark Twain in “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.” –
“……no people in the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed must begin in blood, whatever may answer afterward. If history teaches anything, it teaches that.”
At least they are not Made in China…
There is nothing wrong with Birkenstocks…..you showed only the ugly side. I have plantar fasciitis and the high arch sandals are a medical miracle for everyday walking. Foot hygiene is important for what ever shoe is worn. There is no gimmick, Birkenstocks are good for the feet in their non-worn out form. Once broken down the shoes need to be disposed of as this is true of any shoe……so come on…..give the Birkis a break. Thanks.
Wifey has the same problem and she swears by them.
Problem is, she wants ME to wear them too and that’s when the real swearing starts.
Curious on the point of this article? Reaching for…?
Note: Why so serious?
Did I say the Cape Charles Mirror is so fun?
If I didn’t, it sure is – packed to the brim with thrills and chills in every episode which is something the New York Times can’t say for itself, nor can CNN for that matter, and forget National Propaganda Radio (NPR), they’re pathetic!
If you don’t understand and have to be told, Dawsgs4, then you simply do not understand that it is about America and what makes America great and it is not the Birkenstock, so let me help you out here by giving you some essential American history so you can better understand the cultural back story here, which you must be too young to appreciate, which is alright because we are a compassionate people in here willing to take you under our wing, so to speak, to cure your obvious ignorance as to why this story is an American story as American as dogs and apple pie, and it goes like this:
If everybody had an ocean
Across the U.S.A
Then everybody’d be surfin’
Like Californi-a
You’d see them wearing their baggies
Huarache sandals too
A bushy bushy blond hairdo
Surfin’ U.S.A
end quotes
Study that history well, Dawsgs4!
Do you see any mention of a Birkenstock in there?
NO!
What you do see is Huarache sandles, n’est-ce pas?
So in a nutshell, that is the point of this article – a proper appreciation of the American culture that Joe Biden is trying to stamp out with his executive order banning patriotic education in America’s schools.
That is a really good point Paul. No one in the article or the comments has drawn any obvious attention to the correlation of Birkenstock wearers to socialists; the deniers that Trump won the election, those who hate America, and of course those who We the People don’t include.
And talk about cultural expropriation, seems I recall reading somewhere that Hillary Clinton wears Doc Martens because she thinks they make her look cool, and after Hillary made a fashion statement by wearing them, Nancy Pelosi got herself a pair, and AOC and her posse are all said to wear them because they think they are jack-boots.
Stick with the Huaraches is my thought, and not for nothing is it two girls for every boy in Surf City – it is the Huaraches that draw them in!
for……..the slimy cork based fashion crime on people’s feet?
Finally someone has identified the “elephant”in the town. The summer people and their “Walmart” fashion sense. I have visited vacation towns up and down the east coast including coastal New England, Cape Cod, Cape May, Savannah, and Charleston. All the visitors have appropriate fashion and shoes for summer wear. To my knowledge, none of these locations have and ordinances or law regarding fashion codes. However, it may be necessary for Cape Charles to pass ordinances for any summer people who plan to stay here for more than a day. I think this list would be a start, but could be expand.
Lilly Pulitzer® – Shop The New Summer Collection –
Vineyardvines.com – vineyard vines® Official Site
Ben Silver Collection, Charleston
Andover shop Andover, Ma. Cambridge, M
http://www.sperry.com/en/women, men shoes-boat-shoes/
southerntide.com/pages/splash-women, men
Southern Proper – Clothes for Southern Gentleman
All made in China. You sound like you have a little ‘sugar in your tank’? Sweet as the breeze, are you?
Stu, I’m thinking that the “sarc tag” button may be broken on the Advisor’s computer but could be wrong.
Look at the mess women smear on their faces, hair and nails. They never satisfied, even though they were made in God’s image.
Monkey See………Monkey Do.