COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. KAREN’S LIVING ROOM — EVENING
A meticulously decorated living room with protest signs leaning against the wall. An enormous “RESIST” banner hangs crookedly above a fireplace filled with voter registration forms instead of logs. The room is cluttered with political memorabilia, including a life-sized cardboard cutout of AOC that keeps falling over.
TITLE CARD: “One Week After The Great Cape Charles Pee Pee Social Revolt”
KAREN (arranging snacks on a table labeled “DEMOCRACY FUEL”): Bob, did you remember to bring the name tags? The color-coded ones?
BOB (70s, setting up a projector): Got them right here. Red for returning members, blue for new recruits, and rainbow for allies.
KAREN: Perfect. And Carol is bringing her PowerPoint on “Effective Resistance Through Posterior-Based Activism.”. Now huddle up everyone. What are we taking back?
ALL: OUR DEMOCRACY!
KAREN: We’re taking back what?
ALL: OUR DEMOCRACY!!
Doorbell rings
KAREN (excitedly): That must be our new members! Remember everyone, be welcoming but not TOO welcoming. We don’t want to scare them off with our enthusiasm.
Karen opens the door to reveal DENNIS (40s, Mexican American, buzz cut, military bearing, wearing a plain button-up shirt and a red MAGA hat) and JASMINE (30s, African American, stylishly dressed, carrying a notebook).
KAREN (speaking very slowly and loudly, staring at Dennis’ hat): WEL-COME TO THE CAPE CHARLES RE-SIS-TANCE! WE ARE SO HAPPY TO HAVE DI-VER-SITY!
DENNIS (normal tone): Ma’am, I speak English. Mexican heritage, yes, but I was born on the Shore forty-two years ago…I’m not from another country.
JASMINE (raising an eyebrow): And I have an MFA in English Literature, so you can use multisyllabic words if you’d like.
KAREN (flustered): Oh! I was just… the acoustics in this entryway are… Bob, help me out here! Dennis, uh, could you take off your hat? It doesn’t make me feel safe. (Dennis removes the hat and gives it to Karen, she throws it out the front door)
BOB (rushing over with blue name tags): Welcome, welcome! We’re very excited to have you both join our noble fight! Here are your tags. I’ve pre-written your pronouns based on visual assessment, but please correct me if I’ve misgendered you!
DENNIS (looking at his tag): You spelled “Dennis” with three N’s.
JASMINE (examining hers): And mine says “Jazmyn” with a Z and a Y.
KAREN: It’s the culturally authentic spelling!
JASMINE: Ok (sigh).
Awkward silence
*TITLE SEQUENCE: “The Tesla Initiative” with protest signs being painted in increasingly incorrect Spanish
ACT ONE
INT. KAREN’S LIVING ROOM — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The group sits in a circle on uncomfortable folding chairs. GARY is wearing a sombrero he’s brought “in Dennis’s honor.” CAROL is distributing pamphlets titled “Bare Buttocks: Nature’s Weapon Against Billionaire Tech Bros.”
KAREN (standing with a pointer): Before we begin planning our next action, let’s go around the circle and introduce ourselves. I’m Karen, founder and Chief Resistance Officer of the Cape Charles Resistance. My preferred pronouns are she/her, and my protest specialties are organizing, megaphone operation, and revolutionary nudity coordination.
BOB: I’m Bob, retired professor of Theoretical Oppression Studies from a small liberal arts college you’ve definitely never heard of. He/him, and I specialize in sign creation, historical comparisons to fascist regimes, and I’ve been practicing my gluteal flexibility for our upcoming action.
GARY (adjusting his hat): Gary, he/him, New York transplant. I believe all small towns should be exactly like New York…or parts of Northern Jersey…I’m still figuring out why Cape Charles isn’t. I also maintain our spreadsheet of Tesla sightings.
CAROL: Carol, she/her, retired teacher. I specialize in educational chants and strategic posterior positioning techniques.
Uncomfortable silence as everyone turns to the new members
DENNIS: I’m Dennis. Twenty-four years Marine Corps, retired. Now I run a small business on the Shore.
Expectant pause
KAREN (prompting): And your pronouns? Your passion areas for resistance?
DENNIS: Just “Dennis” is fine. And I’m here because I saw your flyer saying you wanted to improve the town… Actually, I’m not sure why I’m here. The flyer was very vague about the actual mission.
GARY (whispering loudly to Bob): Is he playing coy about our butt-rubbing plan? Is that a military thing? And what about…the hat?
BOB (whispering back): I think it’s some kind of code. Maybe “small business” means his buttocks? The hat, well, maybe his understanding of English is not overly proficient?
JASMINE: (jumping in) I’m Jasmine Wallace. I’m a writer working on a book about small coastal towns and local politics. I thought observing your group might provide some interesting material.
KAREN (beaming): Wonderful! And what specific Tesla models are you most passionate about desecrating with your bare buttocks?
JASMINE (flipping open her notebook): I’m actually politically moderate and prefer to observe rather than participate. I’m interested in how grassroots movements function in small communities.
Collective gasp
GARY (removing the sombrero in shock): But you’re… and he’s… (gestures vaguely at both Dennis and Jasmine)
DENNIS: We’re what?
GARY (stammering): You know, as minorities… you’re supposed to be…angry…you should hate Teslas and be willing to expose your backsides to them!
JASMINE (taking notes): Fascinating. Please continue with that thought.
KAREN (recovering): What Gary means is that we assumed, given the systemic… and the historical… and the… Bob, help me out here!
BOB (academic tone): What Karen is attempting to articulate is that demographics traditionally predict political alignment due to socioeconomic factors and oppressive-colonial-historical-marginalization patterns that…
DENNIS (interrupting): You thought because I’m Mexican-American I must be eager to rub my bare ass on electric vehicles?
JASMINE: And I’m Black, so obviously I must share your exact political views on buttock-based activism strategies?
KAREN: No! No, no, no… well, yes. But in a good way!
ACT TWO
INT. KAREN’S LIVING ROOM — THIRTY MINUTES LATER
The mood is tense. Bob is frantically googling “how to recover from accidental stereotyping” on his phone. Gary has placed his hat on the AOC cutout and is stress-eating hummus.
KAREN (determinedly cheerful): Let’s move on to planning our next action! I’ve prepared some potential themes.
She unveils a poster board with options: 1. “Operation Bare Behind: Tesla Takeover” 2. “Full Moon Rising: A Buttock-Based Resistance” 3. “Cheeks of Fury: Marking Our Territory on Musk’s Empire”
CAROL: I vote for option two. My glutes are most photogenic in moonlight.
BOB: I’ve brought visual aids for our operation!
Bob unveils poorly drawn maps of the town with Tesla sightings marked with little butt-shaped stickers
JASMINE (taking notes): This is gold.
DENNIS (at the map): Wow.
Uncomfortable silence
KAREN: Dennis. We’re trying to be polite about your… misguided political choices…
DENNIS: I get it. Now, what exactly are you planning?
BOB (excitedly): We’re going to track down every Tesla in Cape Charles and rub our bare buttocks on them! It’s the ultimate statement against billionaire exploitation!
DENNIS: That’s not a protest. That’s indecent exposure and vandalism.
KAREN (offended): It’s SYMBOLIC ACTION against climate hypocrisy and tech-bro colonialism!
GARY: Plus, the butt prints will be biodegradable, unlike Musk’s lithium batteries!
DENNIS: True, but you have to admit, this is a little weird. You realize that, right?
JASMINE (scribbling furiously): This is better than fiction.
KAREN: Maybe you’re just not revolutionary enough for our methods! That hat certainly suggests as much!
CAROL: Yeah, MAGA boy!
DENNIS: My political views have nothing to do with whether ass-wiping vandalism is a good idea.
KAREN (suspiciously): So you’re protecting Teslas? Defending the billionaire class? And you dare to defend…He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” or “You-Know-Who”.
DENNIS: You mean Trump?
The original members collectively gasp, and Carol falls to the ground, writhing and reaching for the ceiling.
KAREN: Carol! Please!
Carol pulls herself together and goes back to her seat.
DENNIS: I’m saying you’ll get arrested for public indecency and possibly sexual misconduct. Plus, I thought Ev’s like Tesla were green and pro-environment? How exactly is this hurting Elon? He was your hero three years ago. What happened? Besides, the car belongs to a Cape Charles citizen now.
KAREN (to group): I think we need to have a private resistance discussion. Dennis, Jasmine, would you mind waiting here while we confer in the kitchen?
ACT THREE
INT. KAREN’S KITCHEN — MOMENTS LATER
The original members huddle intensely, occasionally glancing through the doorway at Dennis and Jasmine.
KAREN (whisper-shouting): Did you see that MAGA hat? He’s infiltrated us!
BOB: But we need diversity in our promotional materials! Our last protest photo was just a bunch of pasty old white people!
GARY: Maybe we can convince him to leave the hat at home but still participate? Maybe he can wear the sombrero? Think of the optics!
CAROL: And Jasmine seems so… moderate. How can we radicalize her?
KAREN: This is a disaster! They’re not who we thought they’d be! We wanted authentic diversity! Real minorities that agree with us!
BOB: But they’re perfect for our Instagram! Think of the engagement metrics!
GARY: What if we tell them the butt-rubbing is just Phase One? Maybe ease them in?
KAREN: Absolutely not. The integrity of our bare bottoms against cold Tesla exteriors is non-negotiable.
BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM
Dennis and Jasmine sit awkwardly alone.
DENNIS (sighing): So…this happens a lot to you too?
JASMINE: All the time. They see me and assume I’m ready to strip naked and rub my butt on a car for “the cause.”
DENNIS: I’m not even a Trump supporter. My nephew gave me the hat–it’s pretty comfortable as a work hat. If I had known, I would not have worn it here.
JASMINE: Doesn’t matter. They’ve already created their narrative about us.
DENNIS: It’s exhausting. I just wanted to meet some new people in town, maybe do some actual community work.
JASMINE: They want photo-ops.
DENNIS: They seem like nice people, but…
JASMINE: What they’re planning is just not doing anything for their cause.
DENNIS: I get it, but isn’t it “Our Cause”?.? It’s great that they want to protest, exercise their rights. I’m not thrilled with all this ICE crackdown stuff either…but, after four years of wide-open borders, we knew it wasn’t sustainable. Now, my community is stuck paying the price…calling people Nazis and Fascists that disagree with you is not helping.
JASMINE: I agree, we have so much in common. There’s so much overlap…I admit, I like some of the things going on…taking a look at how we spend tax dollars, I mean, the Department of Agriculture has ninety-eight thousand employees, that seems excessive. Who doesn’t want to see how they are spending our money?
DENNIS: The Federal Government has been a racket for a long time, I’ve known that since High School, but that doesn’t mean all of it is bad. Conservatives, liberals, indies, all of us working middle class have so much in common…we’re in the same fight.
JASMINE: I know, right? Like, how they are trying to withhold over 13 billion in grant funds earmarked for the states to use for healthcare, mental health, and addiction services. Rural areas like ours depend on those grants to keep our programs going…
DENNIS: I know so many people on the Shore who depend on these programs. There’s no way we can fill that gap. Those programs will dry up…
JASMINE: Those are the kinds of things that affect all of us, no matter where you stand politically…that’s the focus.
DENNIS: As usual, we’re all falling right into the trap. They want us fighting each other…
JASMINE: Oh my God, for real! If we’re all fighting each other, nobody’s paying attention to how we’re being manipulated.
They both get up to leave just as the kitchen group returns
ACT FOUR
INT. KAREN’S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
The original members return from the kitchen with forced smiles. They freeze when they see Dennis and Jasmine standing, clearly preparing to leave.
KAREN (overly bright): We’ve decided to cautiously welcome you into our movement despite certain… ideological concerns! We believe in second chances!
DENNIS: That’s fine. But Karen, look, I want to help, but we need to rethink this strategy. I don’t think I can…
KAREN (panicking): But we need your image! I mean, we value your input!
JASMINE: I have enough material for my book, thanks. This butt will not be out in the wild anytime soon.
BOB: But our diversity metrics! I mean, our inclusive coalition!
GARY: Wait, wait! Let me show you the spreadsheet of Tesla sightings! I’ve color-coded them by the owner’s suspected political affiliation!
DENNIS: You’re planning to commit multiple counts of indecent exposure and harassment based on what cars people drive. This isn’t activism, it’s insanity. How is damaging a person’s private property going to shed light on the real issues, issues that affect all of us?
JASMINE: You all seem like nice people, misguided, yes, but nice. You need to rethink this. The use of bare asses against non-combatants to achieve political or ideological aims is not the best way to approach the discussion.
KAREN: It’s REVOLUTIONARY! And we were going to let you participate despite your… (gestures to MAGA hat outside) problematic accessories! You just follow our lead!
JASMINE: A published point paper with real data will probably get us better results. I can help with that.
KAREN (gasping): Yes, that all sounds fine and dandy, but Nazis only understand aggressive tactics! We, us, and you, people of color, are genuine allies! We even have a special section on our website called “Our Diverse Friends”!
DENNIS: Please, let’s table the nude vandalism campaign–it would still be wrong. I can’t be part of it. Look, let’s take some time to see what hurts our community the most, and focus on how we can influence those outcomes…
BOB (desperately): What if we let you keep your underwear on? Is that the issue?
DENNIS: Bob, really?
JASMINE (closing notebook): Just to note: I’m titling my chapter “The Resistance Will Bare Ass.”
GARY: That’s actually a great slogan! Can we use that?
CAROL: I’ve already got a chant ready! “Butts out, Tesla beware! The resistance is showing derriere!”
DENNIS (to Jasmine): Ready?
JASMINE: Let’s go. Keep us posted, we’ll be in touch. We really do want to help.
They head for the door
KAREN (desperately): Wait! We haven’t even shown you the color-coordinated butt paint options!
Door closes behind Dennis and Jasmine
Silence falls over the room
GARY (after a long pause): So… are we still doing this without them?
BOB (sighing): Our Instagram metrics are going to suffer.
KAREN (determinedly): The resistance continues! Tonight, we plan! Tomorrow, we bare our revolutionary bottoms to Elon’s empire!
CAROL: I’ll bring the wet wipes.
TAG
EXT. POLICE STATION — TWO DAYS LATER
Karen, Bob, Gary, and Carol sit handcuffed on a bench outside the sheriff’s office, wrapped in emergency blankets, looking shell-shocked.
POLICEMAN(on phone): Yeah, caught four of them bare-assed rubbing themselves on the mayor’s Tesla. Most disturbing protest I’ve seen in thirty years of law enforcement.
KAREN (dignified despite the situation): History will remember us as heroes.
BOB (worriedly): Do you think this counts as a sex offense? This will be three strikes for me…
KAREN: Wait, what?
GARY: I told you we should’ve stuck to keying cars like normal people!
CAROL: Does anyone else have a terrible rash developing?
Jasmine approaches, notebook in hand
JASMINE: Mind if I ask a few questions for my book? Working title: “The Naked Truth: When Activism Goes Bare.”
KAREN (brightening): We’re going to be famous?
JASMINE: Infamous, definitely.
CAROL: (moving closer to Karen) Can I smell your hair?
KAREN: No!! You are so weird.
Dennis walks by, shaking his head
DENNIS (to Police): Are those the Tesla rubbers?
POLICE: Yep. Caught ’em mid-cheek on the mayor’s Model Y.
DENNIS: Told them it was a bad idea. I guess they didn’t realize Teslas have security cameras.
POLICE: Nope. The car videotaped everything.
DENNIS: You had to review the footage yourself?
POLICE: Yep. Every bare ass, caught on tape. Believe me, it wasn’t for the weak.
DENNIS: Probably not for the strong either.
POLICE: The mayor’s considering a restraining order. For his car.
As Karen tries to maintain dignity despite the emergency blanket slipping, we see a Tesla drive by slowly, the driver giving them a knowing smile
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS ROLL
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales, is entirely coincidental.
To the editor, this is hilarious!